


How Could Anybody Be Living in a Bad Dream?

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, M/M, again it ends happy i swear, wOw even more angst why do i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-15 11:09:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8054020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: written for shatt week on tumblr day 2: nightmares/daydreaming





	How Could Anybody Be Living in a Bad Dream?

**Author's Note:**

> okay when is Coran is talking I totally made up some Atlean terminology let me live

 

            The nightmare first happens a few days after the fight with the gladiator. Shiro’s flashbacks had been getting more intense the more they encountered the Galra, so he figured it was only a matter of time before buried memories started surfacing in his dreams. Still, when he woke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, Shiro felt shaken to his very core. The haze of nighttime clouded his mind and he’d forgotten the details of the nightmare in a matter of moments, already drifting back off to sleep. The next morning Shiro doesn’t even remember the dream, just the persistent, nagging feeling that all was not well. He lets the team finish training early that day and retreats to his room, thinking that some peace and quiet will calm his mind. Unwittingly, Shiro lies on his bed, taking deep breaths in an attempt at meditation. But soon the tendrils of sleep beckon and Shiro does not resist, and allows himself to walk straight back into the arms of the nightmare, which had never truly left during the day.

 

_“I want blood!” Shiro feels the words leaving his lips, but his own voice is somehow distant from himself. As Shiro’s face contorts into a snarl, Shiro realizes to his horror that he is simply an observer in his own body. He does his best to take in his surroundings and recognizes the all too familiar waiting bay of the Galra gladiator ring._

_“Shiro, please…” the soft, unmistakable voice of Matt Holt comes from beneath him and Shiro has to resist the urge to scream. “You don’t have to do this.” I don’t want to! Shiro tries to yell, but to no avail. Shiro’s arm pulls back, extending before coming forward and punching Matt’s face with a sickening crunch. Shiro tries to look away but his consciousness forces him to be present, to watch as Matt’s face purples after the blow, to see the look of hurt and betrayal in Matt’s warm eyes._

_“Why?” Shiro’s lips are cruel and unforgiving. “It’s not like you’ll make it.” Shiro’s arm punches Matt again, this time in the ribs, not listening to Shiro’s internal pleas to stop. “You’ll never see your fa-mi-ly again.” Shiro’s voice has taken on an awful singsongy quality and Matt has curled further upon himself, trying to shield his battered body from more pain. “Did you hear me?” Shiro kicks Matt in the stomach. “Y-o-u will never see them aga-in.” Shiro prays everything will be over soon and for a moment, it looks his body is retreating. Matt even tries to sit up, still cradling his injuries. But then Shiro reaches for the previously discarded guard’s weapon, raising it high above his head before swinging down._

 

            Shiro wakes up with the sound of splitting flesh and Matt’s screaming still ringing in his ears. He doesn’t realize the scream rising in his own throat until his bedroom door bursts open, followed by the entrance of a concerned Coran.

            “Shiro! Shiro are you alright?” Coran’s eyes grow wide with worry as Shiro claps a hand over his mouth in order to silence himself. Coran crosses the room to sit on the bed next to the eldest paladin. “Another bad memory?” Shiro doesn’t say anything but nods, hand still over his mouth, the faintest trails of tears emerging from the corners of his eyes. Coran gives Shiro a sympathetic look. “I think I know how you feel. I still have flashbacks to King Alfor’s last battle against the Galra.” At the mention of the Galra Shiro’s eyes grow dark, and Coran realizes that he might have said the wrong thing. “Tell you what,” Coran starts cautiously. “One thing that always helps me is some Senging tea, made from dried pieces of the Senging root. Very traditional in Altea.” Coran strokes his mustache. “I’m sure we have some stored in the kitchen somewhere. Would you like to come with me to make a cup, Shiro?” Coran lightly puts a hand on Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro nods wordlessly, but removes the hand from his mouth. “Well come on then!” Coran says brightly. “It’s quite a process to make the tea, but I assure you that it’s worth it!” Shiro quirks a half-smile, already feeling somewhat better from Coran’s infectious exuberance. “First, you have to have to boil the water to exactly 1647 mesphens.” Coran states. “Less than that the tea will be too cold. More than that the heat will apply too much stress to the root and it’ll dry out before you extract all the flavor.” Shiro can’t help but let out a small laugh.

            “Coran. What exactly is a mesphen?” Shiro is greeted with the expected incredulous look from Coran.

            “Well I expect it’s much like your system on Earth of…what is it? degrees?” Coran sniffs with satisfaction as Shiro verifies his statement. “Well yes then it’s like degrees, except far more precise. Fun fact, the mesphen was actually discovered by one of my ancestors many ages ago! You see she must have been my great-great-great…” As Coran rambles on, Shiro is more than grateful for the wizened royal advisor helping to clear his mind. Shiro can almost imagine Coran teaching a class of young Garrison cadets, helping them to learn the intricacies of Atlean technology. The thought of the Garrison however, returns Shiro’s mind to Matt and his black mood resettles, even as they reach the castle kitchen.

 

            “Is it that it?” Shiro asks hesitantly as Coran places a cup of steaming brown liquid in front of him.

            “Indeed it is. Drink up!” Coran pours a serving for himself and takes a sip, with Shiro following suit. Shiro has to resist the urge to make a face as Coran smacks his lips in satisfaction.

            “It has an um…interesting flavor.” Shiro says, forcing his vocal chords to work. Coran gives him a knowing look.

            “It’s probably slightly bitter for your earthling taste buds, but that stuff works wonders! I swear by it.” Coran squints slightly until he sees Shiro take another sip. “Good, good.” Coran goes behind the counter to look for some stirring utensils when he suddenly hears Shiro’s quavering voice.

            “I was hurting him.”

            “What’s that now, boy? Coran asks, back at Shiro’s side in an instant.

            “I…” Shiro takes a shaky breath, the tears that were hinting from before coming forward in a deluge now. “In my dream…I…my...friend Matt…I hurt him. I mean I hurt him to save him from the arena but this time…but this time I kept hurting him.” Coran’s chest tightens at the raw pain he sees in Shiro’s eyes. “I couldn’t control my body or maybe it was my body was in control and I just…” Shiro’s voice trails off.

            “Here,” Coran says, handing Shiro his mug. “Drink up.” So they sit for a while, Shiro crying silently as he and Coran drink their tea. Eventually Shiro begins to feel drowsy again and Coran brings him to the common area, forcing Shiro to lie down. In the morning Allura finds them there, Shiro snoring peacefully on one couch while Coran is ungracefully slumped on the other. She doesn’t question it and Shiro finds that the tea really does help. He even stops drinking it after he’s been okay for a while and Coran is glad that all the paladins are at peace again and that he was able to help.

 

But the nightmare returns after the team faces the creature on the Balmera and a sobbing Shiro tells Coran later that night he’s realized he can’t ever truly run from his past.

…

 

            Life in the Galran mining colony is incredibly monotonous, Matt comes to realize after god knows how long of harvesting crystals for the empire. He’s mostly gotten used to the life. He’s learned how to get the best shifts, how to get a little extra food from the guards at mealtimes, how to stealthily visit his father in the fighter repair bay at the surface of the planet. But most importantly he’s learned to let his mind wander. To see scenes of the past painted in the rock walls only lit by hazy purple lights. He’s mentioned it to his dad, albeit only briefly during his short visits to the surface. Matt told his dad he thinks of Katie a lot, which isn’t un-true. Matt often sees his younger sister playing with their dog, Rover, in the moving mine carts or hears her laughter in the clinking of chisels. But more often than not he finds himself thinking of a certain garrison pilot, and all that could have been.

            He sees himself holding hands with Shiro in the darkness, like what almost happened so many times when they were still in the same prison. In the musty damp of the tunnels he smells popcorn from their first ‘not a date’ movie and he imagines what it could have been like had he had the guts to tell Shiro “Yes I am asking you on a date.” Matt feels the rocky surface of the walls beneath his hands and remembers Shiro telling him about rocking climbing as a kid with his adoptive brother, Keith. Matt remembers the time Shiro invited him to go climbing together and imagines what would have happened if he’d said yes. He thinks of the camping trip they’d planned for after the mission and sees him and Shiro hiking through mountains, building a fire, sharing a sleeping bag, among other things.

            And on the really bad days, where Matt feels like he deserves a little self-indulgence, he imagines Shiro rescuing him. Freshly escaped from a Galra prison, bursting into sight and taking Matt in his arms, taking him away, taking him back to earth. Matt can usually tell when it’s gonna be one of those days when he wakes up, so one can imagine his surprise as an image of Shiro appears in tunnel in front of his sector, with a new white streak of hair and a fervor in his eyes.

            “Matt!” Shiro yells. “Oh Matt, thank god I found you.” Matt nods mutely, taking the daydream in stride. Matt squints slightly, for once questioning his vision. He’d never seen Shiro like this. Unless… Matt doesn’t want to dare to let himself hope, even as Shiro bounds across the cavern towards him. But when Shiro grabs his hand, the feeling is undeniably, unequivocally real.

            “Shiro?” Matt asks slowly, barely believing each syllable that leaves his mouth.

            “Yesyes, Matt it’s me.” Shiro’s cheeks are glistening with tears and Matt realizes this is the first time he’s ever seen Shiro cry. “Now come on.” Shiro squeezes Matt’s hand tightly. “We’re getting you out of here.” Matt takes a moment to process Shiro’s words, his mind still in a daze.

            “What about my dad?” Matt asks, his words still sluggish.

            “Already aboard the castle with the other workers.” Shiro answers. “But we have to hurry and make a wormhole jump before the Galra send more reinforcements. Matt?” Matt’s blank expression worries Shiro, but he doesn’t have time to think about that now. He easily swings Matt over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift and taking off down the tunnels as Pidge yells down the com link for him to get a move on. _You know,_ Matt thinks as his head bounces against Shiro’s back, _even if this does turn out to be daydream, it’s the best one I’ve had a long, long time._

 

…

 

            While everyone is excited to be reunited again, the Holts take quite some adjusting to get comfortable in the Castle of Lions. Commander Holt is still having some difficulty reconciling ‘Pidge’ with ‘Katie’ and Matt’s memories are still like cheese cloth. While Matt has taken a room next to Shiro’s, the he still looks at Shiro vacantly on occasion, which worries Shiro more and more. And so even though Shiro says goodnight to Matt each day, he finds his old fears creeping up on him and not a few days after the rescue of the Holts, Shiro goes to bed weary and exhausted, only to be attacked by his nightmare once more.

 

            _“Shiro, please! You don’t have to do this”_

_“I want blood!”_

_“Shiro? Shiro?”_

_“You’ll never see your family again.”_

_“Please!”_

_“Fa-m-i-l—”_

            “Shiro!” Matt’s voice has Shiro up in an instant, and it takes him a second to realize that he’s no longer in his nightmare.

            “Matt.” Shiro whispers, his eyes growing soft.

            “Shiro are you okay?” The anxiety in Matt’s voice is palpable. “You looked like you were having a really bad dream.” Shiro looks down, and Matt immediately knows something’s very wrong. “Scoot over.” He mumbles, sitting on the bed beside Shiro. Matt swings his legs up onto the bed, before turning to face Shiro again. “Talk to me.” Matt’s voice is like a breath of fresh air Shiro wants to drown in and the black paladin unwittingly finds himself opening up.

            “Flash backs.” Shiro breathes. “Flash backs to the arena. To me…” Shiro gulps. “To me hurting you. More. Again and again and again.” Shiro is trembling now and Matt instinctively touches Shiro’s arm.

            “I think you mean flashbacks to when you saved me. From, ya know, certain death.” Matt sees Shiro almost crack a smile and forces himself to remember that kissing Shiro right now would be inappropriate. “I do get it though. Being, hung up on the past.” Matt runs his free hand through his hair. “I…part of the reason I was so out of it when you rescued me is cause I thought I was daydreaming.” Shiro doesn’t dare say a word as Matt takes a short breath before continuing. “And I mean I’d daydreamed about you a lot before but I didn’t want to let myself think it might be real because—because then it’s almost as bad as a nightmare, ya know?” Matt squeezes Shiro’s arm as an unconscious instinct, trying to hide his embarrassment at letting slip the nature of his thoughts. But Shiro just takes it as an opportunity to wrap his arms around Matt, tucking his chin on the top Matt’s head.

            “Hey,” Shiro whispers into Matt’s hair. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” He pauses. “The rest will work itself out later.” Matt breaks their embrace so that he can look into Shiro’s eyes for a moment.

            “And we’ll work it out, together?” Matt’s eyes sparkle as Shiro nods.

            “Together.” Shiro then presses a small kiss to Matt’s forehead. It’s a brief peck, if anything, but to Matt it feels like the lightness of a thousand true promises, like past regrets but hope for the future, and like daydreams that don’t have to be dreams. “You wanna stay here for the night?” Shiro is clearly blushing and Matt can’t help but revel in it as he brings his legs under the blanket and snuggles closer to Shiro.

            “I wanna stay here for the morning too, if that’s okay.” Matt mumbles into Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro lets out a genuine laugh and Matt feels the vibrations and warmth reverberate through his own body. It doesn’t take long for either of them to fall asleep, soundly and without nightmares. And when they wake up together the next morning, they’re both so happy that they don’t have to wonder if they’re dreaming.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @polaroidpidge


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